i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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