You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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