We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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