Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
