He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
