i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
