i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
sarcasm needs its own font
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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