found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
