The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
