at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
