I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
