Kiss
Puke
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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