she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
