Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
