What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
