I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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