I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
