no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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