I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
