If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
