she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
