So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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