I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
