saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
