I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
