he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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