please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
