my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
