Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
