if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
