Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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