Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
