matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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