i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
