DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
