I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
