I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
