Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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