If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
