I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
