i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i need some magic done to my vagina
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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