Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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