If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
