I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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