Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
