My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
