I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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