How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
