Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
