you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
