No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
