i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
