I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My pussy is not your playground.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
